Smiles

I don't know why I post so much lately, maybe because I'm so tired.

As I said, you have to spare some little time to be yourself between this hectic life. Sometime it's so hard to follow. You are demanded to commit so much to this process as if you have no other things to do, which, most of the time is true. You come home feel ruined and juiced up but in matter of hours you have to come fresh again, and stand at that same spot you left hours before, and the cycle repeats itself.

Many of my comrades  is losing it, they've gotten tired and sick, I can tell, me too. All I can say to them (and me) is to remember our purpose. Things sometimes had gotten too over-the-top and discussions gone to furthest lengths and proves of our commitment demanded every second in most bizarre ways. I watched as one of the most sweet, polite, person I knew, gone wild in front of me and my comrades' eyes fighting over symbolism. Thus prove my hypothesis: something, someone, somehow, in this process, we drifted too far.

This drifting takes toll, bigger than anyone want to admit. The most factual evidence of this is 14 people down this day. I am afraid they are not the last. To much of my astonishment, three of  them admit lack of motivation. Baby, who does not? But anyway I respect their decision, and pray the best for them. And thinking over and over again on that court, something is off here.

I don't know about motivation, for a person like me, motivation is a creature, like cats, they have their own minds, they are complicated, and dynamic, and stealthy. You don't know when will you have it, or how. You just do or you just don't. But I know about responsibility and respect. I know that I am needed by my comrades, and I need them back. I know that I am here for something, I am not here for sitting around, I am going to be a mentor. Every body counts, this is not that other events when you can be something without doing anything, here, every body, I mean EVERY BODY have roles.

And really I don't know about motivations but I know about purpose, if you see beyond all this drama and critiques (delivered almost theatrically), beyond all these nonsense writings and consequences, you see... smiles. Haha, really, I see smiles. Remember back in that day when we were so naive? We succeeded in this one dream and have this honest thought that we could conquer things. We were told that we are special (I think, that is the highest compliment you could get as an individual), and God we are so clueless. And then there they are, the people we are going to be. They seems not so special, not as exotic as those flag bearers, not so intimidating as that red shirters, they are blue, and they are our first teachers. In short, they told us what it means to be us. And I want to be them. I want to intrigue minds, wake dreams to put it in reality. I want to be sweet, I want to understand, I want to learn, I want to share, I want to, emit light.

The people we wanted to be back then seems so different now. They are unreasonably cranky, demanding, impossible to deal with, we loathe some of them. I still, sometimes, agree and disagree of how things roll in this process, but that's okay because I am an individual. The thing that keep us together now maybe is one of a small number of things we both parties agree, and we never should forget it, nor drifted from it. It is those naive eyes from the people we have not met. And smug little smiles as if they are there to rule the world, maybe they are, though.

Just, re-remember why we are here. Remember that excitement back then when we know nothing. Hang on thigh to that person beside of you. And picture those smiles whenever they started to tell you to: "Close your eyes! close your ears! And lower your heads!".

The biggest war is against your fear.


I am sorry for the vague descriptions, but this is a sensitive topic.