Strong

The day I thought: "I'm 18 and my life is all over and figured out"

These dull days made me think too much, lately I feel disappointed by myself, by not being in the track I want, being not good enough to change anything, being so weak and aimless. I had trouble sleeping sometimes, I feel sleepy alright but too much thought inside my head. Like war. Sometimes I glide between what you said dreaming and staying awake. And when I snap out of it everything felt suffocating, wrong, just wrong. I thought, this is it, girl, this is how you will end. Boring as always. But then,

I was currently on a novel marathon, then my Ma said it's time to pick up Audi. I changed, go downstairs, go upstairs to grab U2, down and up again to grab my bag, finally, down, and drive. I drive half-consciously, not thinking anything, that time I just felt blank, as like the last page of a book. At a time U2 was playing track 4, Unknown Caller, I wasn't listening to it. Then I passed some polices doing raid, I'm on alert again. After I passed them some lyrics managed to get in my head,

...Restart and reboot yourself/You're free to go/Shout for joy if you get the chance/Password, you, enter here, right now/You know your name so punch it in...

That did make me smile. I didn't think it further anymore. Then I pick up my brother, he said he want to get home quick, don't know why, want to pee or something maybe. When I got home I still feel blank. I decided to check some things at my Uni website, turned out it's down so I stare to the screen don;t know what to do. On some miracle I try to update the blog. I typed some words, erased it, typed it again. Another dead end. I open some of the blogs I knew, my first was one of junior high friend. Turns out her father suffers for cancer right now, st. IV. And how she deals with it, it put me in shame. She's so tough and positive... And me wailing about how I thought my life being off track. I feel tiny. Like I have no right to go emo right now, I was so blind and narrow-minded.

I will try to be more positive, more forgiving to myself, now. In the meantime, please pray for Nisa and her father. I hope you guys will be alright :)