Hi, been too long
I just found out that my blog aura is gloomy, yes? So sorry about that. It's funny because I'm not a gloomy person if you meet me, true I often caught daydreaming and my friend once told me it's easy to identify me among crowds, just point a girl by herself staring blankly, haha. But I'm actually silly, I like to hum random songs and jingles, even dance a little, sometimes I enjoy myself too much in public spaces and got really embarrassed after. I also laugh a lot and loudly, I know it's gross but I can't help it.
So I'm pretty contradictory to this kind of person looming in this blog. It's just, I write if I'm sad, writing's like a therapy or a good friend of mine if I have nobody to go to. Papers don't judge, they just be there. Not pushing or anything, kindly offering itself as a space to find out answers. That's why when I don't have anything disappointing or puzzling or heartbreaking, I'm afraid I don't have anything to write. So it's good news to me actually if I don't write for a while, it's a sign that I'm okay now.
It's unfair that what I pour into papers were only the negatives, dark thoughts and frustration. It's unfair to myself because I flawed my image, and it's unfair to you too. I mean, if I publish something and people read it, they'll got affected, doesn't matter they agree or not, they'll think about it at least, or a sentence or so will stuck in their head and affect what they do.
I'm so sorry. Please, if you've read my posts, be critical and think it thoroughly, you have to have your own grounds, thoughts, okay? You don't have to agree to my writings because I'm not even wise or smart or know everything, I'm just like you, figuring out things.
It's sill hard for me to write when I'm happy, haha, a shame, I know. When I'm happy there's no problems to solve therefore no writings necessary. And it's still weird for me to share my activities here. I mean, who gives a damn about it? Nothing interesting or what.
I'm building a new life here, from scraps, really. Still trying to accept the facts. Sometimes it hurts me, thinking my old green house back across the sea, dusting and hollow and silent. I had so many memories there, so many. But no time for regretting, I have an amazing new home here, have to get to know her. And, the sea, God, you won't know how I really miss the sea, the smell, the breeze. And of course the looks, she's more than blue, you know that? Sometimes when she's in the mood, she turns green, or purple, or brown, or shades of everything, richer than rainbow. I used to see her almost everyday, now it's mountains. I haven't really understand them, but I like their mighty-dramatic look, especially when their feet is invisible like the sky and as they ascends they got clearer and clearer, and finally at the peak they look like another world with another sunlight, just floating there so carelessly and high, like telling us "You can't touch me you dwarfish creatures!" haha, I will conquer them I promise, the mountains.
Ms. Lulu my dear teacher once said, life's a ferrish wheel. I know now, but the hard part is not the bottom, but when you're on top and you got to look back and realize everything you did and did not. The hard part is to make peace with the worse parts. I still avoid them, the people I look up to, my teachers at junior high, friends I've hurt and try to forgot. I think about them almost everyday, I want to go and thank them for everything, they really deserve that. But I'm ashamed, I had made so many mistakes and wrong choices, and we've change a lot. The abyss between me and them is just too far and deep, it's like a lifetime in distance. Sometimes I really wish they forgot about me ever existed and that we shared a life, but at the same time it hurts to think about me being forgotten by them, I love them, you see. But I have to try, I have to. Making peace with my pasts, it's really hard to start, really. But I will try, it's not only for them, but it's for me too.
Wow, look where the topic had turned into! I hope you get the points, whatever it is, LOL. I hope you will think about it, see it with your view. It have been really good, really, the time. It's a new era for me, I've been waiting for this you know? A new blank piece of paper. I still have chances, we are.To make things all right in the end. Because in the process they may go all wrong and hard. But if I accept it and think and learn, I may got something. I may got something.
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